You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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