She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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