good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
