Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
