i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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