Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
