Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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