So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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