She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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