And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
