I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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