life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize