Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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