If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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