just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
