I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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