He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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