I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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