Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
