The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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