my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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