I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
