College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
