So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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