Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
