Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
