Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
