If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
