Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
