Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm both gender and math confused
Someone signed my nipple.
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