she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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