I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
