That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
