I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
