my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
