y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
