I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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