i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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