Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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