im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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