She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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