Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
