i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
