Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
