you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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