Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
