Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
