i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
