it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
