come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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