dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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