last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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