My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize