Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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