I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
nutella sex= disaster
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
