Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
