I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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